PS 3539 
.U13 N6 
1912 
Copy 1 



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Not on the Bills 



A Farce in One Act 



BY 



ARTHUR LEWIS TUBBS 

Author of "Farm Folks." "Home Ties." "Heart of a Hero.' 



etc. 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1912 






-y 



Copyright 1912 by The Penn Publishing Company 



Not on the Bills 



^ 



©CI,D 31812 



Not On the Bills 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 

LoRA Livingston the leading lady. 

Frederick Ainsleigh .... the leading man, and a 

" Matinee Idol.'' 

Mr. Banks the manager. 

Ji^isv the office boy. 

Time of Playing. — About thirty minutes. 

STORY OF THE PLAY 

Lora Livingston, leading lady of a theatrical company, is 
engaged to Frederick Ainsleigh, the leading man. She is 
afraid he flirts when out of her sight. To test him she dis- 
guises herself as " Mandy Slocum," a stage struck country 
girl, and completely fools Banks, her manager, and Jimsy, 
the office boy. «' I aim to act. I'm going to call myself 
' Evelina Everglade.' " Banks doesn't want to see her act. 
** Poor Juliet's been murdered so many times." Lora 
gets Banks to help her try it on her lover. Ainsleigh recog- 
nizes her, but conceals it, and pretends to be smitten with 
the little country girl. *' May 1 call this evening ? " He 
pretends to write her an address where she may find a room, 
then attempts to embrace her. Lora throws off her disguise 
and denounces him. ''So I have found you out." Ains- 
leigh makes her read the note he gave to \' Evelina." " You 
are a clever actress, Lora dear, but I 'knew you all the 
tim^." Lora admits she was wrong, and they make up. 

NOTICE:— The professional rights to this play are fully 
reserved. Professional actors wishing to produce it in 
any form or under any title are forbidden to do so with- 
out the consent of the author, who may be addressed in 
care of the publishers. 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

LoRA Livingston. A young and attractive leading 
woman of a slock company. She has dignity and emotional 
ability, but is disguised as a demure young girl from the 
country ; not a caricature, but an innocent, simple maid, 
supposedly shy and unsophisticated. She is dressed in 
rather countrified style ; cheap, but neat and becoming 
dress, straw hat with daisies or other simple flowers and 
ribbons for trimming ; veil which partly conceals face. 
Her girlish manner and voice are assumed, but should not 
be overdone. 

Frederick Ainsleigh. The typical handsome, polished 
young actor of the " matinee idol " sort. He is manly and 
sincere in his love for Lora, his lightness of manner being 
assumed. Wears an elegant afternoon suit. 

Mr. Banks. Forty-five or fifty years of age; brisk, 
businesslike, but shows good-nature. Neat business suit. 

JiMSY. Typical "smart " office boy, about twelve years 
old. Dark suit. 



PROPERTIES 

Papers, pen, inkstand, letter, telephone, slip of paper, 
pencil. 



Not On the Bills 



SCENE. — Manager's office in a theatre. Doors up c, and 
at L. Desk and chair r. Chair r. Posters on walls. 
Discover Mr. Banks, the manager^ seated at desk, r., 
busily engaged. 

(^Enter JiMSY, the office boy, c. ; stands R. C.) 

JiMSY. Lady wants t' see you, Mr. Banks. (^JVo reply. ^ 
Mr. Banks — a huiy ! 

Banks (^tiot looking around). Tell her I'm busy; can't 
see her. 

JiMSY. She says it's important. Says she's got t'. 

Banks. Huh ! Got t' ! You just tell her — what's she 
look like — actress looking for an engagement? 

Jlmsy. Well, no, sir, — not jest. Looks kind o' like she 
was from the country. Young, and — she says it's most im- 
portant, and — mebbe you'd belter see 'er, jest a minute. 

Banks {turning round). What's that? Maybe I'd bet- 
ter? How long since I've been supposed to take advice 
from you, young man ? Now, you clear out and tell that 
female, whoever she is, that I'm busy and wouldn't see the 
Queen of England if she was to call and offer to star for 
eighteen a week, {l^urns back to desk.) 

Jlmsy. Yes, sir. She's got a letter from Miss Livingston, 
though. 

Banks. Who has — the Queen of England ? 

JiMSY. No, sir; 'tain't her down there. I mean the girl 
what wants t' see you. Miss Livingston sent her. 

Banks. Did, eii? Some stage-struck damsel that's got 
on the soft side of her, I supj)ose. (^Impatiently.) Oh, 
well, — seeing Miss Livingston sent her, 1 suppose 

JiMSY (eagerly). Shall I show her up? 

Banks. OIi, — er — yes. 

Jlmsy {throwing open door c). She is up, sir. Here 
she is. 



6 NOT ON THE BILLS 

(^Enter Lora Livingston, c, dressed as a girl fro7n 
the country. Her face is partly hidden by a veil, and 
she keeps it slightly turned away frotn Banks. She 
speaks in an assumed voice, ivith apparent timidity. 
Banks regards her with careless indijference. He is 
still seated at desk ; she c. ; Jimsy r. c, back?) 

Lora. Is — is this Mr. Banks? 

Banks. Yes, I'm Mr. Banks. 

Lora. The famous Mr. Banks — the great theatrical man- 
ager, of the Imperial Stock Company ? 

Banks. M'm — well, I'm the manager. Is there any- 
thing I can do for you ? 

{^He has risen ; stands R. c. ; she c.) 

Lora (^gushingly). Oh, yes, — yes, sir. 1 aim to act ! 

Banks. Oh, you do? Want to be an actress, eh? 

Lora. Yes, sir. I have lofty ambitions — even to the 
stars. 

Banks. I see. You want to shine, Miss — er 

Lora. Slocum — Mandy Slocum — that's my real name, 
but I'm going to call myself "Evelina Everglade " 

(Jimsy, who has stood back looking on much interested, now 
snickers. ) 

Banks. That'll do, Jimsy. You may go. 
Jimsy {still snickering). Yes, sir. "Evelina Ever- 
glade," — gee ! 

(Banks points to door, sternly. Lora, behind his back, 
motions Jimsy to go, as if there were an understanding 
between the?n. Exit Jimsy, c.) 

Lora. Yes, sir, — "Evelina Everglade." I studied it 
up. I think it's such a pretty name — so poetical — don't 
you ? 

Banks. Oh, yes, sure. Very. 

Lora. That's what I think. I thought of "Gladys 
Grassbrook" and "Rosabella Rosedale," but decided on 
"Evelina Everglade"; it seems to have such a lofty, ro- 
mantic sound, you know. I think there's everything in a 
name; don't you? And I wanted both names to begin 
with the same letter, like Miss Livingston's. Lora Living- 
ston. I always thought that such a lovely name. 



NOT ON THE BILLS 7 

Banks. You say she sent you to me, and that you aim 
to act. What's your Hue ? 

LouA. Line? Oli, yes; I have it right here — a line 
from Miss Livingston. {Produces Utter.) She speaks so 
well of me, too. Wasn't it kind of her? She says I can 
act as good as she can. 

Banks. M'm — oh, yes. But I — I mean what line of 
work? Character? {Takes letter^ glances at it.) 

LoRA. Character? Sir, I'd have you know my charac- 
ter is of the best. My father is sheriff of Spruce County, 
and we're one of the very best families in Luluville. Char- 
acter, indeed ! I should think an introduction from Miss 
Livingston 

Banks. Oh, yes, it is — quite sufficient, I assure you. 
But — I'm sorry — I don't think we have — you see, I'm full 
at present 

LoRA {shri7iking aivay from him). Oh, — sir ? You — 
are ? 

Banks. That is, I mean — the company is. 

LoRA. All of them ? Mercy me, what a dreadful lot 
they must be. I've heard that show folks were bad, but I 
had no idea a whole company would get intoxicated. I'm 
sure Miss Livingston 



Banks. You misunderstand me, madam 



LoRA. ''Miss," please, and mean to stay so. 

Banks. Miss — er — *' Evergreen." 

LoRA. ''Glade"— ''Everglade." 

Banks. "Glade." What I meant was, we have no 
openings at present. But if you care to leave your address, 
why, if anything turns up 

Lora. Well, it needn't be your nose, 'cause I can act. 
I'll give you a little scene, if you want me to. 

{Strikes pose, as though about to begin.) 

Banks. Thank you, but, really, I don't think it's neces- 
sary. I'm willing to take your word for it. 

Lora. La sakes, I don't ask you to take my word. Why, 
Miss Livingston ain't got a thing on me, if I do say it as 
shouldn't. You ought to see me do Juliet — the death 
scene 

Banks. Poor Juliet, she's been murdered so many times. 

Lora. Murdered ? La, no — killed herself. Stabbed. 
All because Romeo missed the car and didn't get there just 



8 NOT ON THE BILLS 

on the minute. Didn't you ever see that piece ? It's by 
Mr. Shakespeare. I can recite some of it for you. 

Banks. Thanks, do, — spare me — I mean Juliet ; that is, 
you — you needn't bother. 

LouA. Oh, it wouldn't be a bit of bother. I'd just as 
soon as not. It's real tragic. 

Banks. Yes, I dare say it would be. Poor Juliet, she 
had so much to bear. 

Loua. Yes, didn't she, poor dear? Her folks wouldn't 
let her have the fellow she'd picked out — was just goneon — 
and she went and got desperate. But maybe you'd raliier 
have me do 0|)lielia's mad scene, where she goes crazy — 
just raving. ''Here's rosemary, that's for remembrance." 

(^Acts amateurishly.) 

Banks. Oh, forget it ! 

(JiMSY has entered c, stands back, looking on, tinnoiiced, 
very much amused.) 

Lora. No, indeed, I know it all by heart. But if you'd 
rather have *'The Boy Stood On the Burning Deck," 1 can 
do that just grand. But even that don't compare with 
*' The Polish Boy." My! but that's tragic. " Back, ruf- 
fian, back, nor dare to tread," it goes — "nor dare to 

tread " I spoke that at the school exhibition, and put 

my whole soul into it. They all said it was real thrilling. 
"Back ! " I said, just like that. Everybody said I'd mnke 
a great actress — even the minister — and so I've come to let 
you have the chance to bring me out — all because you're 
Miss Livingston's manager. 

Banks. Thanks. It's very kind of you. I assure you, 
I appreciate the honor; but, really, I have nothing to offer 
you. 

Lora. But if Miss Livingston should be sick, or need a 
rest, or anything, I could take her place; I just know I 
could. 

(JiMSY snickers ; Lora and Banks look around at him.') 

Banks. Jimsy, you may go. When I want you, I'll call 
you. (^Turns to desk, as if to end conversation.) 
JiMSY. All right, sir. 



NOT ON THE BILLS 9 

{^He motions to Lora, toward Banks, for her to persist. 
She gestures that she ivishes him to leave. Jimsy goes 
up c. After a brief pause, Lora goes and touches Banks 
on shoulder.^ 

Banks (^glancing up, then turning back to desk). You'll 
have lo excuse uie, niiss ; I have nolhing for you. 

[Exit JiMSY, c.) 

Lora. After I've come all the way from Luluville, to go 
on the stage? Witli all my talent? I'll just go and tell 
Miss Livingston. She won't tliink much of it. She won't 
act in your old company, either, if I don't. 

Banks {turning around). What's that? Won't act 
if you don't? Really, Miss — er — "Evergreen" — 1 don't 
understand 

Lora {dropping her assumed manner and voice). I 
should say you don't. My, but you're easy, or else I'm a 
belter actress than I thought I was. 

Banks {recognizing her, rising). What ! You — you 
don't mean to say — Miss Livingston ! Well, I'll be 

Lora. " Gumfoozled " — eh? I don't wonder. Didn't 
recognize your own leading lady. Think I'll strike for an 
increase in salary, Mr. Manager. I never engaged lo act 
character parts, so I think I deserve a raise. See? 

Banks. No, I don't see. What in — under the sun is it 
all about? I fail to see the joke. 

Lora. That's just it. It isn't a joke. It's in dead ear- 
nest. I was just trying it on the manager before testing the 
leading man. Own up, you were fooled? 

Banks. Weil, yes — I was. But Ainsleigh — what has he 
to do with it ? 

Lora. Everything. He says he loves me. 

Banks. Well? What if he does ? That's his business. 

Lora. Ha ! — that's it. I mean really, not on the stage. 
Wants me to marry him. 

Banks, Oh, ho! So that's it? And do you intend to 
do it ? 

Lora. M'm — I don't know. Might. But I haven't 
much faith in actors — as lovers and husbands, you know. 
They're too vain, generally, and — well, not much inclined 
to be constant. I'm afraid Mr. Ainsleigh is like the most 
of them — ^just a flirt. So I thought I'd dress up this way, see 



10 NOT ON THE BILLS 

if he'd flirt with me, tliinking I was an innocent girl from 
the country, and Do you think I can fool him? 

Banks. I doubt it, if he really loves you. 

Lor A. But they say love is blind, you know. 

Banks. Yes ; but you must remember that Ainsleigh is 
inclined occasionally to take an eye-opener. Besides, he's 
no fool. 

LoRA. Thanks. I hope not — though I'll confess I'm 
going to try to make a fool of him, for a few minutes. Isn't 
this a good get-up ? 

Banks. It sure is, but — you see, I was pretty busy and 
didn't give you a good look. Didn't Jimsy know you ? 

LoRA. Yes, the little scamp — after a minute. But I 
fooled even him just at first. But he's my devoted ally. 
He'll never give me away. It's your help I want. . 

Banks. What can I do ? 

LoRA. Pave the way. 

Banks {starling). All right. I'll go and send him to 
you. 

LORA. Wait. Not so fast. You might put him wise. 
Send for him to come here, and I'll hide, within hearing. 
Just tell him a sweet little thing from the country is here — 
that she's dead in love with him — a dear little country 
flower, and all that, you know. 

Banks (ai desk ; taking up receiver of telephone). A 
regular ''daisy." {In 'phone'.) Hello! 

LoRA. Or a blushing wild rose — simplicity — rural 
charm 

Banks {talking in 'phone). Hello ! Is Ainsleigh down 

there? What? Oh, Jimsy, go and find Ainsleigh 

Well, try Jerry's. 

LoRA. I hope he'll come soon. I'm getting nervous. 

Banks. Cheer up, the worst is to come. (/;/ 'phone.) 
Yes— go tell him I want to see him in my office, right 
away. {Hangs up receiver.) 

LoRA {going L.). I'll hide here in the next room while 
you put a flea in his ear. 

Banks. Oh, I'll put a flea in, all right; trust me. A 
whole pack of 'em, as big as horseflies. 

LoRA. Now, don't you go and overdo it. You might 
spoil the whole thing. 

Banks. Never fear ; you leave it to me. There— skid- 
doo ! I think I hear him coming. 



NOT ON THE BILLS II 

LORA. Remember, now — a life's happiness hangs in the 
balance — maybe two. 

(^Exit Lor A, at door l., where she can listen and peer out. 
Banks sits at desk ; pretends to be very busy.') 

[Enter Jimsy, c.) 

Banks {^vithout looking around). Well, Ainsleigh, 



I 



JiMSY. 'Tain't him. He 



(^Looks at door l., where Lora's head is visible.) 

Banks. Oh, it's you, Jimsy? Find him? 

JiMSY {looking toward Lora, rniscliievously). Yes, sir. 
He was just goin' to his dressing-room. {Looks out c.) 
Here he is now. 

{Looks at 'LoYKk, grinning ; she f notions him not to betray 
her ; he shakes his head decisively, crossing his heart. 
She dodges back. Enter Frederick Ainsleigh, c.) 

{Exit Jimsy, c.) 

Ainsleigh {standing c). You wish to see me, Mr. 
Banks? 

Banks. M'm — yes ; on a little matter of business — or 
sentiment, rather. 

Ainsleigh. Sentiment? Why, how's that ? Of course, 
we're good friends, but — sentiment? 

Banks. You know you're a deucedly handsome fellow, 
Ainsleigh — a regular ''matinee idol," as they call 'em, 
and 

Ainsleigh. Ha, ha ! I'm not so sure about the '' idle " 
part, with six nights and two matinees a week. But — what 

has my looks to do with it — even if, as you say, I'm 

What you driving at? You didn't call me up here to tell 
me about my looks, nor to talk sentiment. Of course, if 
you have any fault to find with my work 

Banks. Not a bit of it. The fact is, there's a lady to 
see you, and I have promised her an interview. It's a case, 
Ainsleigh, and she's a sweet, innocent little thing. Be 
gentle with her, and let her down easy. 

Ainsleigh. Oh, say, now ; you know I can't be bothered 
that way. AVhy, if I answered all the letters, or saw half 
the No, you'll have to excuse me. 



12 NOT ON THE BILLS 

Banks. "Bothered" — you? Tut, tut, you lady-killer. 
It won't be a bother when you see this one. She's a peach 
— a dainty little country flower. 

AiNSLEiGH. Oh, a peach- blossom ? 

Banks. Daisy, wild-rose — and all that. Wait till you 
see her. You may want to pluck her and wear her next 
your heart. 

AiNSLEiGH. Say, see here, Banks, what you up to? 
Are you trying to jolly me? If this is a joke, 1 fail to 
see it. 

Banks. Not a bit of it. You won't think so when you 
see her. Poor little thing, she's completely smitten with 
your manly charms. Wait. (^Goes L. and gets Loua, jvho 
shyly comes forivard, her head drooping, veil covering face. 
She speaks in an assumed voice, and Ainsleigh is at first 
deceived.) Miss Slo — ''Evergree — glade" — let me intro- 
duce Mr. Ainsleigh. 

LORA {bowing demurely). Oh, — (sighing) sir ! 

Ainsleigh. How do you do, Miss — m'm — Slo — " Ever- 
gree — glade " ? 

LoRA. "Evelina Everglade," please, sir. 

Banks. Well, I'll leave you now. I have a little busi- 
ness to attend to, so if you'll excuse me, why 

{Goes to c. D., catches Jimsy peeking in, gives him a push out 
of door and exits. Jimsy runs back and looks in. Lora 
sees him, unkfioivn to Ainsleigh, aiid fnotions'hi?n away. 
Jimsy disappears, with a mischievous grin.) 

Ainsleigh. Won't you sit down, Miss — er — " Ever- 
glade " ? 

Lora. Thank you. 

{She sits l., bashfully ; she keeps head partly turned away 
through this intervietv, so that he is u liable to get a good 
look at her. She also continues using an assumed voice, 
affecting country simplicity, though by no means ^^green- 
ness.'") 

Ainsleigh. I believe Mr. Banks said you wished to see 
me ? Is there anything — that is, I mean can I be of any 
service to you ? 

Lora. You are really Mr. Ainsleigh, the great actor? 

Ainsi,eigh {recognizing her. Aside). By Jove, it's 
Lora. {To Lora.) M'm — I am Mr. Ainsleigh, the actor. 



NOT ON THE BILLS 1 3 

0|jinions might differ as to what you are kind enough to 
call ** great." But, of course, if m your opinion — why, 
I'm sure 

Lou A. Oh, — yes ! I have admired you so long — from 
afar; recognized your greatness — your genius — and so 
longed to meet you face to face, and 

AiNSLEiGH {iryifig to get a better look at Jier). Well, 
you can hardly call this " face to face," you know. 

Lor A {still turning aiuay from him). Oh, — sir ! I am 
overcome. 1 can scarcely jjelieve that 1 am really here with 
you, the idol — that is, the inspirer of my humble endeavors, 
the one who has — has made me long to — to let my own 
talent shine forth to the world. If 1 might even ever so 
humbly reflect the radiance of your divine fire ! 

AiNSLEiGH. Well, really, madam, I — I fear you put it 
rather too strongly. But, if I can advise you, or be of any 
assistance. 

LoKA. Oh, sir, you can ! I aim to act. If I might but 
be Juliet to your Romeo 

AiNSLEiGH. But, you see, we are not thinking of putting 
on Shakespeare — and we have a leading woman 

LoKA. Oh, in any capacity, then, only so that I might 
have the inspiration of your presence, the advantage of 
studying your great art. 

AiNSLEiGH. Yes, of course, but — perhaps you'd better 
talk to Mr. Banks, the manager. He engages the people. 
He's a nice man, too, and 

LoRA. Oh, yes, he was real sympathetic. I'm so fond 
of sympathetic people. Are — are you m-married ? 

AiNSLEiGH. Why — er — n-no, I'm not. 

Lor A {coquettishly). Neither am I. 

AiNSLEiGH {smiling). Indeed ? I am amazed. How is 
it that so fair a flower was not plucked long ago ? 

LoRA (rising). They came to woo, but I had my am- 
bition — my art — my ideal ! I aimed to act, to be a great 
actress — to shine ! My talent has won recognition. My 
interpretation of that tragic poem, "Back, ruffian, back, 
nor dare to tread ! " thrilled the audience wt our last school 
exhibition, and I was led to believe that 1 should give my 
talents to the world. I felt it within me — kindled — glow- 
ing ! And then I saw you. Ah, how I thrilled nnew with 
hope and aspiration. Oh, sir, if you but knew what it 
means to me to be so near to you — to 



H 



NOT ON THE BILLS 



(Si\^/ts, as if almost overcome. Ainsleigh 7iow pretends to 
be susceptible to her charms, gradually yielding, going 
closer to her, and assuming an affectionate manner. She 
still keeps face averted, etc.') 

Ainsleigh. I understand. You need a friend— I will 
be — may 1 be that friend ? 

LoRA. Oh, sir \ if you would. If I might lean upon 
you. 

Ainsleigh. You may. {Pauses, then, rather signifi- 
cantly.) Are you stopping in tlie city ? 

LoRA. Yes. And 1 find it so lonely. 

Ainsleigh. You are all alone ? 

LoRA. Yes, quite. Oh, sir, you are so kind and so 
sympathetic. Just think, you are Mr. Ainsleigh, the great 
actor, and I am only a poor little country girl. I do ap- 
preciate it so much. What can I ever do to tiiank you — to 
— to show my appreciation ? 

Ainsleigh. You might let me see your face. 

Lor A {bashfully, still turning aiuay). Oh, — sir ! 

Ainsleigh. And you might ask me to call. 

LoRA. But I — I have just arrived, and I have no place 
yet. I have to find one. Perhaps you could tell me where 
to go. It would be so kind. 

Ainsleigh. I sliould be delighted. I think I know 
where you could get a nice room — and then I could come 
to see you — and 



LoRA. Oh, — sir 



(^He still pretends to be taken in. She gradually, as she 
becomes convinced of his susceptibility, is overcome with 
genuine e^notion at what she considers his ^^ perfidy. ^^ 
She shows this feeling to the audience, but to him still 
carries out her assumed role.) 

Ainsleigh. May I call this evening — after the per- 
formance? 

LoRA. I — yes, I — would be pleased to see you 

Ainsleigh. I will give you the address of tlie place 
where you can get a room — it is near where I have my 
apartments. 

( Takes pencil from pocket, goes to desk and ivrites on piece 
of paper ; folds it up and hands it to her. She takes the 
paper, not looking at it.) 



NOT ON THE BILLS 15 

LoRA. Thank you. You are so kind. 

AiNSLEiGH. And you will surely see me to-night — 
dear ? 

LoRA. Oh, — sir ! 

AiNSLEiGH. Come— let me see your face— those 
eyes 

{^He attempts to embrace her ; she at first seefns to submit, 
then, suddenly throwing off her disguise, faces him fti- 
riously. The piece of paper on which he has written fails 
to the floor. He pretends to be greatly surprised and 
overcome at her revelation of herself ; as she speaks, he 
makes pleading gestures, then falls into chair at desk, 
burying face in hands, etc. She is deceived by his action 
and continues her denunciation.) 

LOKA. So ! I have found you out, Frederick Ains- 
leigh ! You are like them all ; like all the actors— a flirt, 
a lady-killer — vain, unprincipled— without a true beat to 
your false, perfidious heart. You thought you could win 
the innocent little country girl, — inveigle her into your net 
of falsity and use her as the plaything of a moment, then 
cast her off, as you have many others, no doubt 

AiNSLEiGH. Lora ! Wait — listen 

LoRA. No, I won't wait, I won't listen— never again. 
You swore you loved me — Lora Livingston — that there was 
no other woman in all the world for you. You asked me 
to be yours, to trust my life, my future happiness, to you — 
you, the actor, the '' matinee idol," the lover of any woman 
that happens to please you for the moment. But I have 
found you out — yes, found you out in time, thank heaven ! 
{^He has risen, apparently stricken with grief and remorse ; 
attempts to speak, but she waves him aside.) No, don't 
speak to me ! I can't stand it. Go ! Go, I say. I never 
want to see your face or hear your voice again ! 

{He turns his face fro?n her to conceal his smile.) 

AiNSLEiGH {turning to her). Lora, listen to me! For- 
give me. I can explain 

Lora. Explain ! Yes ; you can lie— lie to me, as you 
have all along, as you have to others. No, — no ! You 
would make false promises to a young and innocent girl— 
you would break her heart 



l6 NOT ON THE BILLS 

{She is overcome^ iveepin^, though semi-tragic in her 7nin- 
gled rage and grief. He asstmies a serious moody leading 
her on.) 

AiNsr.EiGH. And you — what about you ? You led me 
on. Vou were the Eve, I the Ad 

LoRA. Ha ! The same old plea — the woman's fault, of 
course. I offered the apple, and you 

AmsLKiGH. Bit. Only 1 thought it was a peach. Well, 
we're a pair. We were both to blame. 

LoRA. Both? I don't see that 1 have done anything, 
except find you out. If Adam had been half a man 

AiNSLEiGH. How could he be, when Eve was the better 
half? 

LoRA. Mr. Ainsleigh, this is no time for jesting. {At- 
tempts to go out c. ; he bars her way.) You will be kind 
enough to let me pass. 

Almsleigh. Sorry, but you'll have to see the manager ; 
he gives out the passes. 

(JiMSY appears in c. d., with Banks looking over his shoul- 
der. Lor A is turned toward L., and sJie does not see 
them. Ainsleigh sees them and motions them to go away. 
They dodge back, but keep peering out, unnoticed by Lora.) 

LoRA. Will you be kind enough to stand aside? 

Ainsleigh {reciting, in burlesque). ''Back, ruffian, 
back ! " 

LoRA. Sir ! 

Ainsleigh. Ma'am ? 

LoR.i. Mr. Ainsleigh, you are going too far. 

Ainsleigh. Oh, then I'll get nearer. (Approaches her.) 

LoRA. You will stand aside, please. 1 wish to leave the 
room. 

Ainsleigh. Do, please ; it belongs to Mr. Banks. 

LoRA. If you don't let me pass, I shall call for help. 

Ainsleigh. Sorry, but this is Thursday — the help's day 
out. Oh, say, Lora, hasn't this joke gone far enough? 

{Laughs. ) 

LoRA. Joke? You call it a joke? Am I to under- 
stand 

AiNsr.EiGH. 1 hope so. It's about time. You certainly 
don't understand at present. 



NOT ON THE BILLS 1 7 

{They are well down c. Banks and Jimsy keep looking 
out c. D., listenings but dodge back so that Loka does not 
see them. Ainsi.eigh occasionally glares at thejn, a fid 
motions them to get outy but they still watch the proceed- 
ings.) 

LoRA. I understand that you are false — perfidious 



AiNSLEiGH {stooping and picking up the piece of paper 
from floor ; offering it to her). Here — read ! Iwant you 
to see the address 1 gave tlie country giil. 

LoRA {tef using paper). What! your address? Given, 
as you thought, to the innocent country girl whom you ex- 
pected to hue into your snare. 

AiNSLEiGH. But you must take it. I insist. {She still 
refuses y turning away ^ but he forces her to take the pn per ^ 
semi- tragically.) Read ! It contains the secret of my life. 

{He compels her to look at paper ; she glances at it, reading 
the few laords thereon ; is at first surprised, then in- 
credulous and angry.) 

LoRA. 1 don't believe it ! You — you didn't, any such 
thing ! 

AiNSLEiGH. It says so — and I wrote it. See — "You are 
a very clever actress, Lora, dear, but 1 knew you all the 
time." 

Lora. Oh ! How could you — how dare you play such 
a trick on me ? 

AiNSLEiGH. ''All's fair in love and" Well, I hold 

the winning trick. It was fighting you with your own 
weapons. Madam Eve, and Adam held the trump card. 

Lora. The idea ! You needn't flatter yourself. Be- 
sides, 1 knew all the time that — that you — knew all the time. 

AiNSLEiGH. Oh — oh — m'm — look out, Eve; no fibs. 

Lora. Well, anyway, you ought to be ashamed of your- 
self for — for letting me I'll never forgive you — 

never 

{She seems about to relent ; he makes a motion to embrace 
her, when Jimsy sticks head in c. ; they spritig apart, 
looking around.) 

Jimsy. Say — do you know what time it is? 
Banks {appearing c, pushing Jimsy back). It's most 
show time. Inue to make up. 



l8 NOT ON THE BILLS 

{He af/^]iusY disappear, c.) 

AiNSLEiGH {to LoRA, pleadlvgly). Hear that? Come, 

let's make up 

LOKA. I suppose we — we'll have to. 
AiNSLEiGH. But not with paint— a kiss ! 

{Puts his arvi around her.^ 

LoRA. Oh, Fred ! How can you? 
AiNSLEiGH. Why, — easy ! 

{He kisses her as they go out c.) 



CURTAIN 



DEC 28 1912 




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